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  • Writer's pictureThe Hamilton Post

How to Decipher the language of Men

Recently, a friend of mine called me and asked me why I didn’t have a “guys guide to…” In the Hamilton Post if I had a “girlfriend’s guide to…”

“Interesting,” I thought, “maybe because guys aren’t concerned about how cute shoes can alter your entire day, or how to deal with the emotional impact of being dissed from an evite, or not tagged in an instagram photo, last but not least, how to keep your confidence on a bad hair day." I had to be honest, "guys don't really talk, let alone want to listen to self help advice."

The secret language of mantalk

Guys have their own language, whether it be a single grunt, which could mean”what’s up buddy” or a head nod which also could mean “Hey, how ya doing,” yet, if it is an aggressive nod could also mean, “leave my girl alone, next time you get near her, I might have to smash you in the face.”

Surprisingly, they actually communicate quite effectively through this bizarre language of grunts, snorts, hand bumps, and nods, as if they have their own language unto themselves.

Witnessing this first hand, a friend of mine cell phone rang and he answered, I use that term loosely, grunted, notifying the caller that he picked up.

After shaking his head, he uttered, “eh,” then a pause, “ya,” longer pause,

“ya” as a repetitive response, another "mm" sound, then hung up.

Severely confused, I asked him,”Why did you just hang up on your friend?”

“What do you mean?” he responded equally confused about my accusation.

‘You didn’t even talk to him? You kinda of snorted and just hung up.”

‘No, I didn’t….” He defended himself. “We had a conversation. ""eh" meant Hi,

He asked me if I wanted to go surfing, I said "ya", He told what what time, I agreed, and then I gave him a "mm" silent good-bye.

I was now confusingly impressed, if that is an emotion, “how in God’s name did so much communication just happen, without one English word?"

I had to admit defeat, “okay, I’m amazed, dazzled, astonished that you accomplished so much in 45 seconds, wow,” I articulated, now I was speechless.

So In light of that eye opening experience about mantalk, the language of guys, let me deliver a guys guide relatable to them. Short, sweet, and to the point. No excess words needed. Where these 10 tips would take girls ten weeks, to digest, ponder, opening up to further discussion for opinions, guys just want the bottom line.

So, here are the 10 most important tips every man needs to know about what women really want in mantalk:

Guys Guide #1 How to lose weight

Stop eating.

Guys Guide #2 How to make a sh*tload of money

Get a job.

Guys Guide #3 How to get a girl

Get a job.

Guys Guide #4 How to keep a girl

Keep your job

Guys Guide #5 What to buy a girl for her birthday

~Not a set of golf clubs to go golfing with you.

~Not a surprise vacation on a fishing cruise.

~Not a new washer to do your laundry, ~Definitely not a membership to a gym to help her loose weight.

Basically, anything other than those should be acceptable.

Guys Guide #6 How to communicate to a girl

Translate snorts and grunts into English words. Add a few adjectives, especially extended adverbs like "That is sooo pretty, look at you!"

Guys Guide #7 How to keep your wife happy

Pick up your crap off the floor

Guys guide #8 How to apologize to your wife

Don’t bring flowers home before you pick up the crap off the floor. Stop doing the sh*t that makes her mad. Then you can bring home flowers.

Guys Guide #9 How to romance your wife

Don't ever pick up your cell phone in the middle of her story. Act like you're interested. Nod and make eye contact. Wink at the end, and you'll probably get lucky. Repeat a few lines she said, indicating how well you were listening, laugh, and you'll probably get real lucky.

Guys Guide #10 How to be a great husband

You probably already are, that’s why she married you in the first place.

That’s why she puts up with all your crap, picks your clothes off the floor, and shakes her head when you leave for work, knowing that at the end of the day.... you’re hers.

Guys Guide extra tip

Once you know how much she really loves you, and all her yelling really means in girltalk , I’m mad at you because I want our relationship to be better. The next time she throws flowers back at you, walk up to her, put your arms around her and respond,”Aah, honey, I love you too!”

For now...Knuckles

Lisa Hamilton/ The Hamilton Post


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