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  • Writer's pictureThe Hamilton Post

Dear John Letters

Updated: Aug 26, 2020

Bidding Adieu to the Internet Lovers Who Never Deserved You

Possibily it was a summer resolution to find real love, or maybe it was the realization that dating on zoom wasn't sexy, but whatever the reason, my life was not going in the direction I had envisioned.

Like a freeze frame moment, stepping out of your life looking in as an observer you ask yourself the obvious…

What are you doing? Do you see yourself? Something’s gotta change!

It was the middle of summer, and indeed the time to “clean house” from all the go nowhere online daters that put my life in a holding pattern like a bad movie, hoping that all the invested time would pan out in the end. Yet, waiting for the anticipated happy ending was just not worth it anymore. Quite the contrary, like a slow leak, it was draining all the happy out of me.

I decided right then and there, to cut bait, or to put it in cyber terms, cut byte.

It was time for the Dear John letters

Waking up at 2:00 am I started devising my escape plan, to gently inform my “cyber dates’ that this fish was not byting any longer. Though there were a plethora of potentials, after waiting a year for something to blossom, it seemed less and less probable.

I was looking for a real romance, not what I deemed a “textmance” where you fall in love with a photoshopped picture from 10 years prior, and frankly if you actually saw the “real person’ on the street they would be unrecognizable.

I was textmanced, and for that matter phonemanced done, put a fork in it …finito.

Though it was in the middle of the night, my decision exhilarated me and so propping up my pillow, I started drafting my first series of The Dear John letters.

This was brilliant. I took all my cyber textmances, categorizing each into proper profiles.

Mr. Eternal Texter

He is the one who fills up gaps during his day exclusively texting during his down time (probably in route while driving) which provides him with a sense of relationship. He prides himself on how cost effective his non-dating life is, as he has never really taken you out on a date. Though his juggling ability to text while watching his favorite game on impressive,

To him I wrote: Our texting relationship has exhausted its gigabytes, and has reached its capacity. I feel at this point it is necessary to hit the shut down button, and possibly in the future should you decide to call me without your game on in the background, we might have a chance to restart.

From now on I will cut and paste my last reply as a time saver. Should you finally discover that my response is automated, call me. For now…. au revoir….

Mr. Nice Guy that Never Initiates

He is the who is either shy, insecure, or hiding something (most likely his wife.) Though his niceties are flattering at first, the hopeful cyber flirting falls as flat as day old champagne where all the bubbles have burst long ago. Starting the day with good morning! and then 10 hours later ..sweet dreams….with nothing in between, feels like eating a mayonnaise sandwich with wonder bread without the meat.

→To him I wrote: Thank-you for considering me as a commercial break in your life. I would like to thank-you in person, but being I have never met you, that would be impossible. Should I ever end up in the hospital recovering, and need time to kill, I will definitely text you. p.s. don’t call me I’ll text you. Adieu…..

Date Me Forever John

His profile is the guy that ends each date with, “had a great time, let’s do it again.” though what he really means to say is… let’s do it again, and again, and again. Once on the merry-go-round the initial enjoyment becomes mundane when you finally recognize you are going in circles, and the once cherished merry has morphed into a tarry-go-round.

Pondering what to say, I started drafting my dismissal letter to Date Me Forever John, when suddenly, quite brilliantly I wrote:

Dear John…… need I say more?…..Thanks for the ride…Adios!


When serendipity comes your way

Reveling in my newfound freedom, I vowed to never strive again for romance, or try to fit together the puzzle pieces of my life. Life would come together in its own perfect timing.

The puzzle pieces that made no sense today, would one day become a picture perfect tomorrow.

I suddenly realized I had one more letter to write. So I left for my favorite coffee shop with pen and paper in hand.

Dear God,

It dawned on me today, that life is like a Rubick’s cube. Every piece miraculously fitting into a piece of the whole, with each one effecting the other. My life is a masterpiece, and you are the artist.

I have been striving, waiting for something to happen, trying to pick up the cube again and again in frustration to force something that was never meant to be. I release all areas of my life to you, and resign from online dating, and quite frankly everything that I have been striving about. I want to enjoy the ride with you! Whatever happens happens. Que sera sera…..

Thank You.

Sudden surprises

Putting my pen down, I felt a surge of deliverance, as if all my burdens had been lifted. Reveling in this state of surprising euphoria, I was suddenly interrupted.

“Excuse me,” I heard a deep voice say, “can you help me with this?”

Turning around I caught a glimpse of a man sitting behind me with the most intriguing eyes whom I had not noticed before.

Laughingly handing me his folded Sunday paper, he pointed to the crossword puzzle, “What do you think this word could possibly be?”

Returning his laugh, I moved closer to him as we both tried to contemplate the answer.

“Let me see…. 11 letters, starts with an S, ends in a Y, means: happy coincidence, divine intervention” I pondered, “let me think…..”

Of course, in an aha moment, “It’s serendipity!”

But I knew, there was nothing serendipitous about this at all. It was God winking at me handing me a piece to my own puzzle.

Lisa Hamilton/ The Hamilton Post

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